Dear Mr. Tailgating Driver

I am flattered that your car wants to kiss my car but at the same time back off.

I understand that you are in a rush so you feel the need to get so close to my car that you can read my speedometer.

I understand that you are so close to my car that I can look at my rearview mirror and see the rearview of your vehicle.

I understand that you are in a rush to drive home so you can fornicate with your ex-girlfriend.

I understand that you are in a rush but instead of utilizing the fast lanes and the other seven lanes, you decide to remain emotionally and physically attached to the slow lane.

I understand that your exit is coming up and you are rushing to get there as if Willy Wonka’s golden ticket to his chocolate factory is waiting for you by the exit’s stop sign.

I understand that you think that you are Bruce Almighty or you have telekinesis and getting close to my car means my car will magically move out of the way.

I understand that you bought brand new LED headlights so you want to show it off by illuminating the entire interior of my car. I get it. You have a lighthouse for headlights.

I understand that you want everyone to drive 25 miles above the speed limit just like you.

I also understand that every day feels like your first day of driving. Perhaps someone should buy you a Student Driver bumper sticker to put on your car so you can get special privileges for your special driving.

Look, Mr. Tailgating Driver, if you are in that much of a rush to go everywhere, maybe you should think about purchasing an F-16 Fighting Falcon and get to your destinations that way. That way, you’re happy and I can get peace of mind.

Who knows, maybe you’ll tailgate the commercial planes flying in the sky.

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