Real Conversations With Potential Landlords

Our area has a ridiculously low vacancy rate. So, tenants are desperate and landlords pretty much do what they want. Here are some highlights from our housing search:

Me: We’re interested in renting this modular home (trailer) and want to see the rules of the (trailer) park.

Potential Landlord 1: You can’t dry your laundry outside. You can’t have a visible garden. You can have a pet, but it must be smaller than 12 inches.

Me: Are they strict about that, though? Our dog is 14 inches…

Potential Landlord 1: …

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Me: Can you tell me the height of the ceilings in the suite? My partner is tall.

Potential Landlord 2: Can you come view it tomorrow at 3pm? My kid is graduating (from kindergarten) and I want to sign the new tenant by 5pm tomorrow so it doesn’t interfere with our celebration the day after.

Me: *viewing the basement suite* Are these 6-foot ceilings? My partner is 6'3'’ — He is taller than the ceiling… so… that’s not really going to work.

Potential Landlord 2: Why not? The last tenant was tall too, he just put up this **tapestry-looking thing, rolled so it’s thicker at the top** across the low part to remind himself to duck in that part of the house. Ain’t no thang! Also, remember, you’re my first choice because you work at the same school as my teacher friend and he said you’re not a weirdo and I really want to sign someone (anyone) by 5pm, so… chop chop.

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Me: *Excitedly viewing A WHOLE HOUSE within price range!!*

Also Me: *sees a mouse trap in a corner, placed by the current tenants* (tactfully)Have you ever had problems with flooding or with rodents in the house?

Potential Landlord 3: Nope. Flooding, never. Rodents, never.

Me: *sees what look to be rat droppings in the basement. All over the basement.*

Potential Landlord 3: I should also tell you that even though the whole house will be rented to you, I actually split my time between here and [other city] and when I’m in town, I reserve the right to stay here. In my bedroom. Which is upstairs and which you are not allowed in. And sometimes I like to bring a “special friend” or two back with me, you know how it is. So, I’m really looking for tenants with good, open communication skills, so we can all be comfortable here together.

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Me: *looking at housing ads with my 14" dog sitting next to me*

Potential Landlord 4: OMG THIS WOULD BE THE PERFECT PLACE FOR YOU!! … and absolutely no pets.

Potential Landlord 5: No smoking, no drugs, no parties, no overnight guests, no loud noise, no long showers, preferably no men, preferably no Canadian citizens (we actually only rent to female international students), and definitely no pets.

Potential Landlord 6: We already have 4 dogs, 5 cats, 3 hamsters, 4 rabbits, a snake, and 14 chickens out back. And we operate a (cash only, very legit) kitty hotel so, we can’t accept anyone with pets.

Potential Landlord 7: Cats are okay. NO DOGS.

Me:

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Yeah. Renting is hard. Thank you for reading!

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